🚨💰 BREAKING NEWS! Tech Banker Michael Grimes is about to FLY like Uber on a sunny day! 🚀🚀💸 In a plot twist worthy of a reality TV show, this guy has taken the wheel of Trump’s brand-new investment accelerator. 🦅✨ "It's like trying to teach your grandma TikTok while she’s talking about the good ol’ days,” a *leaked* source from the White House said. “No cap, it’s a hot mess!” 🤡🔥 This ain’t just any Uber ride, though; it's a ride through LEGAL JUNGLES and CONGRESSIONAL WILDERNESS where nobody knows what’s going on! 🌳💩 *Me, sipping tea* ☕️: "This is fine." 😅 Grimes, the dude who made banks off Airbnb’s IPO (stonks 📈💵), is trying to piece together this accelerator💥 like it’s IKEA furniture with missing screws. "I've seen better planning at a 3-year-old's birthday party," another source *definitely* didn't say. 🤷‍♂️ Prediction time: Trump’s investment accelerator will either catapult us into a new tech era OR it’ll implode into a “This is fine” meme that we can replay for years. 💀💥 Who’s signing up for the “Trainwreck Portfolio”? 😭💀 Remember: In the wild world of tech, anything can happen! 🌌 PEACE! ✌️😜