🚨💥 BREAKING: This Week's "Optimizer" Newsletter Is More Confusing Than Dating in NYC! 💥🚨 Makin' my way downtown, walkin’ fast, and trying NOT to get smacked in the face for reading THIS newsletter. 😳💀 But what exactly is “Optimizer”? 🧐 It’s a weekly cringe-fest from Victoria Song at Verge 🖊️, dissecting tech like it’s some life-changing phoenix 🐦✨, only to realize it’s just another overpriced smart toaster trying to get you to join its cult. 📅 Arrives every Friday at 10 AM ET (but like, who’s counting? 🤷‍♂️) and promises to deliver the latest on phones, smartwatches, and “gizmos” that swear they’ll revolutionize your existence. 🚀🤖 Fun fact: the NYC subway ads? They bring more joy than this newsletter. 😅😂 Remember when Dr. Zizmore’s eyes were a meme? Now HE’S gone, but this newsletter is still here, reminding us of our unfulfilled tech dreams. 📉💔 **Leaked quote from a developer**: “We thought it was cool… until we realized no one asked for ANOTHER smartwatch.” 🤦‍♂️💯 🔥🔥🔥Prediction: In 5 years, “Optimizer” will evolve into a sentient AI that roasts your love life and carves out your tech needs like a turkey on Thanksgiving. 🍗💸✨ #NoCap Share this slice of chaos or I’ll haunt your inbox forever! 👻💌