🚨🔥BREAKING: Ted Cruz and the FCC JUST dropped the hottest mixtape of the summer—“No Wi-Fi, No Problem.” 💩📉💔 Instead of giving our future Einsteins some Wi-Fi HOTSPOTS, they’re serving up the cold plate of “Learn in the Dark.” This is literally the tech equivalent of hiding the Wi-Fi password from your kids so they can go outside and get exercise… like, who even does that anymore? 👀🤷‍♂️ Here's a leaky “developer quote” from the shady backend of this whole fiasco: “Wi-Fi for kids? Nah fam, better to just send them out to forage for dial-up in the wild. 🦗 #SurvivalOfTheSlowest” - Not Brendan Carr, definitely not Drake is pointing and saying “This is fine” while meme-stonks 📈🙌 take a nosedive because apparently, the goal is to keep our future tech geniuses *just* smart enough for minimum wage jobs! Thanks for looking out, Ted & Brendan! 👏💩 🔥 Prediction Time 🔥: By 2025, they’ll force kids to learn computing using *only* 90s tech—just floppy disks and dial-up tones. Get ready for your kids to be bored to death while rocking those sweet, sweet AOL CDs. C’mon, let’s cringify the future! 💀🚀💰