🚨💰 Breaking News: "Upgrade" Just Became the Taylor Swift of Online Loans! 🎉💸 So grab your wallets, folks, 'cause the loan game just got a MAJOR glow-up! Upgrade, that finance startup that’s basically like “Venmo for your debts,” just raised a whopping $165M! 😱💵 They’re now rocking a diet of $7.3 BILLION in valuation, thanks to Neuberger Berman— who I’m convinced is just a group of people named Bertram wearing berets sipping overpriced coffee. ☕🎩😂 👀 “12 to 18 months” until an IPO? Bruh, that’s like telling me I’ll lose weight by just NEVERRR eating cake again. 🤷‍♂️🍰 *Developer quote* (probably): “I’m not saying we’re like the kid with a new bike, but we’re definitely flexing on these other startups like ‘stonks’!” 📈🔥 If this is “Upgrade,” then what’s the “Downgrade”? 💀💔 Honestly, I low-key feel like this is just a trap for all the millennials to realize they’re still broke even when making “adult” decisions. Mark my words: in a year, they’ll be the Amazon of loans and we’ll all be drowning in credit card debt like it's 2021, no cap! 🚀🤡 Share if you’re ready to buy a house with a loan the size of your Spotify monthly bill! 🎶💔