💀💰BREAKING: The Fountain of Youth just got a financial infusion! Yep, Tony Robbins and Peter “I-have-more-billionaire-friends-than-you” Diamandis have thrown $18M into their longevity company, Fountain Life. I guess they want us to live forever so we can listen to motivational speeches on repeat—NO CAP! 😂🚀 CEO Dr. William Kapp blesses us with the wisdom: “Don’t die of anything stupid.” Like, wow. Next, he's gonna tell me to breathe air, right? 🤡🔥 So, what’s this multi-state expansion about? Are they building a chain of magical elixirs at every corner? Is there a Starbucks-ification of anti-aging on the horizon? Get ready for your latte art to include a wrinkle-free face. Fr fr, if you’re not drinking your turmeric latte and discussing anti-aging hacks, are you even living? ✨LEAKED DEVELOPER QUOTE: “Bro, we just want to keep people alive so they can buy more crypto. Stonks only go up!” 😏📈 In conclusion, get ready to be 120 and still procrastinating on your taxes. This is fine. The future is here, and it’s awkwardly trying to sell you a juice cleanse. 🔥⭐Hot take: By 2040, we’ll all be digital avatars sipping on green smoothies while simultaneously bench pressing the weight of our empty tech investments. 🥴💀💸