🚨📱💀 BREAKING: TikTok’s American Dream is finally coming… but only after 20 Zoom calls, 8 legal memos, and a partridge in a pear tree! 🎄🤡 So here’s the tea: The WSJ spilled that TikTok and U.S. buyers are ready to play corporate musical chairs with an 80% American stake while China holds onto a soggy 20% like a toxic ex at a party. 💔🇨🇳💼 The new buyers? You guessed it: Oracle, Silver Lake, and Andreessen 'Show-Me-The-Money' Horowitz! 💰🎉 Talk about a power trio that could make even the Avengers look like stooges! But for real, what are we doing? Stonks? More like, *stoinks*!! 🤑📉 These companies are about to see their TikTok shares rocket or tank harder than a middle school dance! 💃🚀 And let’s be real — TikTok’s user base is likely just gonna keep scrolling regardless. This is fine. 💀🔥 “Maybe if we show them our best dance moves, they’ll keep us around,” said a TikTok dev who probably just got off a Zoom meeting dripping in existential dread. Unhinged Prediction: By 2030, TikTok will be owned entirely by cats and the whole app will just be videos of them knocking things off tables. 🐱💥 #CatTok #PoweredByChaos