🚨📱**BREAKING NEWS: THOU SHALT NOT BUY AN IPHONE!**📱🚨 Listen up, tech fam: If your fingers are itchin' to hit that BUY NOW button for the latest iPhone 🕹️, HOLD UP! We’re not just talking about a phone, we’re talking about a lifestyle choice here! 🤯 👀 WORD ON THE STREET (or maybe in Cupertino) is that Apple is about to drop the iPhone 17 like it’s HOT 🔥 this September! That’s three months of free therapy while you resist the temptation to join the Stonks Cult 🚀. Side note: Apple’s been scheming to make your wallet lighter with camera upgrades and a brand new walnut-scented chip (I made that last one up, but wouldn’t that be *based*?). Developer quote leaked from some anonymous source: “We designed the iPhone 17 to be so good, even your grandma’s Nokia will start to seethe in jealousy.” 💀 Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but you get the vibe. Fr fr, you can snag that shiny iPhone 16 for half-price once they drop the 17, or you can roll the dice and live that *I’m-too-cool-to-wait* lifestyle. But let’s be honest: that’s cringe. 🙅‍♂️ **UNHINGED PREDICTION**: In a shocking twist, Apple will reveal that the iPhone 17 can actually teleport you to your next Zoom meeting! Just wave your hand like a Jedi and boom—you’re there. 😂 May the force be with your bank account—don’t say I didn’t warn you! 💸✨