💥🔥 **BREAKING NEWS, FOLKS!** Substack just threw a party 🎉, and *nobody* showed up because they were too busy faffing about with the latest Twitter drama! 😤 So, what’s the tea? 🧐 They’re claiming to be the **next TikTok** (like, for writers? this is a *multiverse crossover* we didn’t ask for! 🚀) with a new update that lets creators clip their livestreams and share them on Notes. Sounds thrilling, right? 🎤💤 **🔥EXCLUSIVE, FAKE DEVELOPER QUOTE:** “We thought wizards could only do magic, but then we realized livestreaming could turn Sad Scribblers into Rich Content Lords, no cap,” said literally no one. Also, you'll get real-time notifications about how your cringey rants are performing. So basically, you can watch your hopes and dreams plummet faster than Bitcoin in a bear market 📉💀. Make sure to check your “performance”—it’s how you cope with seething envy as you watch your friend’s cat go viral instead. But fr fr, if Substack gets any more hip, I half expect them to drop a NFT of a bad poem. 😩📚💰 **UNHINGED PREDICTION:** Substack is just one Twitch stream away from launching a Substack Metaverse. You heard it here first! 🤖✨ Who’s ready for “Substream”? 🤡