🚨🚨 **BREAKING NEWS: Starlink's Billion Dollar Wish Sandwich!** 🚀💰 Yo, fam, did you hear? Starlink is about to snag BILLIONS 💵 in federal subsidies like it's about to drop the hottest mixtape of the year! But wait... there’s a plot twist! 🎭 Turns out, they can’t even handle traffic like it’s 1999 internet dial-up. 🙄🚫 Just imagine Grandma in rural America trying to stream her cat videos while the whole network faces a meltdown worthy of an epic meme. 🤡💀 🔍 **Expert Analysis from Our *Totally* Legit Sources:** > "We literally designed Starlink to connect everyone except people who need it... LOL, guess we forgot to build a proper network! 🤷‍♂️" - *Anonymous Dev* Meanwhile, useful reminder: rural America just wants to watch *The Office* on repeat, not have a face-off with SpaceX’s bandwidth limits. 🥴💔 So while Elon’s over here flexing with stonks 🌌, we’re left coping with CD-level connection speeds like: *This is fine.* 😵‍💫 🔥 **Unhinged Prediction:** Within a year, Starlink will pivot to just sending USB sticks with *Rickroll* videos to rural homes. “It’s a real connection, bro!” 🤯💥 Share this chaos before someone tries to charge you for the bandwidth! 💀