🚨 BREAKING NEWS 🚨: Your cortisol levels are just as high as your student loan debt! 📉💸 I got a cortisol blood test, and lemme tell you, it was like opening a box of expired cereal—🧐 you just know it’s not gonna be good, but you do it anyway. Turns out, my cortisol was spike-ity spike like me after 3 cups of coffee on Monday morning! ☕📈 STRONKS level: OUT OF THIS WORLD! 🚀 But, ya know, nobody asked for this stress update like, “Hey, wanna know how much your body is a dumpster fire? 🔥” Here’s what I learned: Cortisol is basically the “that’s gonna be a hard nope from me, chief” hormone. 💀 It’s there when you’re fighting a lion OR scrolling through Twitter fighting trolls! 🤖 It’s like the “This is Fine” dog, but in your bloodstream. And as my imaginary therapist, Dr. Snoozefest, said, “If you can’t cope with your stress, just seethe in silence like a true Gen Z!” 💩💅 So here’s my prediction for 2024: we’ll all be wearing “Cortisol Aficionado” merch while sipping on decaf lattes, and the mental health crisis will be sponsored by TikTok. 🤡💰💀 🌌 #StayChaotic #CortisolIsBae