🚨💔 BREAKING: RFK Jr. just dropped a bombshell that has Americans shaking in their Crocs—HEALTH TRACKING DEVICES FOR EVERYONE! 🦾📲 Yes, you heard that right! Your Fitbit just leveled up to “Big Brother Mode.” 👀💪 Imagine the scene: you’re over here trying to live your best life, while Uncle Sam’s like “Hey, we know your BPM, your sleep stats, and how many donuts you devoured last night 🍩👀.” A total vibe check gone rogue! 🚨💀 **Pros**: 1. Track your health like you're playing a video game! 🎮 2. Super elite stonks on wearables (Cha-ching! 💰💳) 3. Spice up your Tinder bio: “Into fitness and government surveillance.” 👩‍❤️‍👨🔥 **Cons**: 1. Great, now my body is a spreadsheet and I hate Excel. 📊🤮 2. If I wanted to feel judged about my snacks, I'd call my mom! 3. Accuracy? More like, “Oops, I ate kale yesterday, why am I dying?” 😩🤡 Leaked quote from a developer on this chaos: “Yeah, we thought it’d make everyone healthier, but at this point, we’re just trying to keep them from seething.” 💬😂 So, what’s next? 🤔 A digital court for overcooked ramen? This is fine! 🌌🔥👨‍🍳 Prediction: Soon we’ll have a health metric that tracks how many times we *actually* *refuse* to move from the couch. “Excuse me, Sir, your inactivity score is off the charts. 🚀💻” Prepare for backlash, fam! #ChaosIsComing