🔥🚴‍♂️💥 *BREAKING NEWS*: Peloton's CEO Peter Stern just dropped the hottest mixtape in the health and wellness game! 🎶💣 After laying off more employees than a 2008 financial crisis, Peloton is pivoting AGAIN! You knew the drills, but now they’re trading cardio for zen vibes! 🧘‍♂️✌️ “Forget about those sweet burnouts, we’re focusing on *health span*, whatever that means!” said a *totally real* developer named Chad who definitely wasn’t just eating avocado toast. 🥑 #Stonks 🚀 🌟 “We’re about to be the world’s most trusted wellness partner! No cap! 💯,” added Stern, right before spilling his green juice all over the earnings call. ‘Cause nothing says “trustworthy” like a fitness brand that’s about as reliable as your Wi-Fi at 3 AM! 🤡💀 Drake’s got that “Hotline Bling” in response to this pivot, pointing at Peloton like, “Nah fam, you can’t sell *me* wellness...” ➡️🎤 But wait, it gets better! 🤖🔥 In a world where productivity hacks are the only hobbies left, how many Peloton influencers can write self-help books before we all *seethe*? My guess: ONE. Hold onto your handles, fam! Peloton's next move? A subscription service for “deep meaningful conversations” 😱😆 — because if we can't ride, we can at least therapize. 🚲✨ Share so I can dunk on your friends too! 😝💸 #PelotonWoes #WellnessOrBust