🚨BREAKING: Oracle’s wallet just got fatter than your cousin after a Thanksgiving feast! 🍗💰 Q1 revenue is up 12% year-over-year, landing at a *choking* $14.93 billion. That's just *barely* missing the $15.04B prediction like a noob missing a tech deadline. 🤡🔥 But WAIT! It gets juicier! Remaining performance obligations (what even is that) are up 359% to an eyebrow-raising $455 billion. Like, are they selling actual gold? Or just stonks on stonks? 📈🤖💸 📈 ORCL shares went *full-on rocket ship* 🚀, blasting up 26% in after-hours trading! Traders be like, "Drake pointing to Oracle profits" vs. "this is fine" when their portfolio is just poop 😭💩. 🔥 *Leaked developer quote*: “We invested more in cloud contracts than I do in my daily iced coffee. It’s caffeine for the tech nerd soul!” ☕💀 If Oracle keeps this up, we’re all gonna be reading the *Oracle Financial Times* by next year. Mark my words—by 2025, they’ll be running the world and we’ll be their unpaid interns. *ACTIVATE CHAOS MODE* 🔮👽 #OracleGoneWild #CloudKingdom #TechtoMoney 💥💸🥳