🚨🍏💥 BREAKING: The Cult of Apple has Ruled the Universe Again! 🍏🚨💥 Alright fam, gather round because Apple just dropped their shiny new toys like they were hot potatoes 🍟🔥. 🤖 The September event was about as exciting as watching paint dry, but don’t worry, the usual gang of overpriced gadgets is here to save the day. You got your basic iPhone 17, the ultra-thin iPhone Air that’s basically a glorified piece of paper, and the iPhone 17 Pro & Pro Max that look like they went through a blender 🤡💀. But wait! You can PREORDER these beauties on Amazon NOW. That’s right, no cap! Get in line like you’re at the DMV for a chance to be part of this cringe fest cuz they’ll ship on the 19th - aka just in time for your “Look at my new phone!” TikTok videos 🤳🔥. And oh boy, the new AirPods Pro are here! They promise to give you *better sound* than your neighbor’s bass-heavy car at 2 AM. Stonks 🚀📈! In the words of an *imaginary* Apple Dev: “Honestly, we’re just recycling the same features, but we’ll slap a new number on it and watch the stans seethe with joy.” Here’s my UNHINGED prediction: In 3 years, Apple will drop an iToaster that charges your iPhone while burning your toast. You’ll buy it because “innovation” 🥵💰. Share this chaos!