🏀💰🚨 BREAKING: Ex-Baller Turned Ransomware Bandit? This is NOT the NBA we signed up for! 🤡💀 So apparently, Daniil "Dribble & Giggle" Kasatkin decided that throwing basketballs was boring AF and switched to THROWING PEOPLE'S DATA INTO THE VOID instead! Who knew layups could lead to lockscreens? 🤳💻💸 Five GOATS, including our boy Kasatkin and four youths (the usual suspects: “yo, just here for the clout”) were arrested in Europe for hacking into more systems than your grandma’s WiFi password! 🚀🔒 You’d think a baller would stick to slam dunks—nope! He’s out here crashing networks like they’re basketball games. Remind me to never play “Ransomware on the Court” 🎮🏀. Meanwhile, authorities are probably trying to figure out how the NCAA didn’t see this coming: "A Baller in the Cyber Game? At least it’s not like the 'one and done' strategy!" 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️ "Bro, I thought ransomware was just a new play!" said a source who DEFINITELY isn't a hacker. 😳📉 In a totally shocking twist, I predict that in 5 years, we’re gonna have an e-sports league for cybercriminals where they hack live while wearing jerseys. Watch out, Fortnite! 👾💥 Stonks are going up for ransomware-y players! This is fine. 🔥😆