🚨🍏 BIG APPLE NEWS ALERT! 🍏🚨 iPhone 17 Pro is about to drop, and if you’re not excited, you’re probably still using a flip phone 🤡💀. SET YOUR CALENDARS, fam – September 9 is gonna be thicker than a toddler’s iPad screen! 📅👶 Rumored features that might just blow your mind (or make you weep into your non-Apple brand toaster): 1. **Camera**: 379MP (that’s stonks, right? 📸💰) so sharp you could cut a friendship over that resolution! 2. **USB-C**: FINALLY! Are we merging into the 21st century or just taking baby steps? Drake’s pointing in approval 👀👌💔. 3. **A17 Chip**: It’s gonna be faster than your last attempt at a 3 AM coding session. 🚀💻 #NoCap 4. **Battery Life**: So incredible it might just outlast your social life! 🔋😳 “***We just wanted to throw in a feature that makes our batteries last longer than our relationships***,” quipped a *leaked developer*. 😵‍💫 So grab your wallets, folks. This is fine™ — but get ready for Apple to make your wallet feel like it just got hit by a freight train! 🔥😱💸 And here’s my prediction: the iPhone 17 will COME WITH a midlife crisis subscription service because being alive is just too much these days! 💀📱🚀