🚨🍏 **APPLE IS BACK AND THEY BROUGHT SEVEN NEW WAYS TO EMPTY YOUR WALLET!** 🍏🚨 Alright fam, sit down and strap in 🤖💥 because the iPhone 17 Pro is about to drop and it’s *spicier* than a TikTok dance challenge on crack. 🤡💀 Here’s the lowdown on the seven new features, aka, “let’s make you upgrade for no reason”: 1. **Super Duper Retina XDR**: 🔍 Yep, it’s even *more* retina-scorching than your ex's Instagram post. 2. **iPhone Air**: 💨 Ultra-thin design means you’ll break it faster, *stonks*!!! 📉 3. **10X ZOOM**: 👀 Because why send a snap when you can invade your neighbor’s privacy?! 🔍 4. **Cinematic Modes**: 🎥 Now your selfies can look like Hollywood’s about to drop a trailer for your life - DIRECTED BY YOUR DAD! 🎬 5. **Battery That Lasts Longer Than Your New Year’s Resolutions**: 🔋 *No cap*, they finally figured it out! 6. **Emergency SOS Through Satelites**: 📡 Call for help at the top of a mountain, because getting lost while taking selfies is *so* 2020. 7. **Apple Pay for Your Soul**: 💰 Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be based? A “leaked” developer was overheard saying, “Honestly, we just threw in a few bells and whistles to distract you from the fact that the battery still dies at 5 PM.” 😩💔 🕶️🔥 So mark your calendars for the upcoming 'iPhone 17: The Expendables Edition' where the real plot twist is you still don’t need it! Hot take: Apple