🚨🍏✨ BREAKING: The iPhone 17 Air is about to drop, and it’s thinner than my wallet after buying the last iPhone! 😱💸 Who needs a fancy Plus when you can have an Air that’s so light, it floats away to join the Cloud? ☁️💨 🍭 Here are **SEVEN** features that'll have you saying "Shut up and take my money!" (Yes, Apple, all my money, please! 😩💔): 1. **AIRy Vibes Only:** Ultra-thin frame - it's basically a phone with a diet. No cap, this thing could double as a bookmark! 📖🔥 2. **Proximity Snitching:** It’ll text your ex every time you’re ONE MILE too close. 👀💔 3. **Dynamic Wallpaper:** Watch as animated puppies dance in the background while your parents argue about your life choices! 🐶💃 4. **Charging Port? LOL:** Who needs one, right? Only real ones will hang on to their lightning cables like they’re gold! 😤⚡️ 5. **AI Assistant Upgrade:** Siri finally learns your name… after 5 years. Better late than never, amirite? 🤖💢 6. **Ultra-Slow Motion:** Capture every moment of you scrolling TikTok at 0.5 FPS. This is fine. 🔥🤷‍♂️ 7. **Mystery Feature:** Apple says it’s a surprise, and I'm guessing it’s just the voice of Steve Jobs reminding you to upgrade every month. 🎤👻 💥🤡 *Leaked Developer Quote:* “We ran out of ideas and just made it thinner, fam.” 🔥 Hot take: If this phone doesn't levitate while playing your fave Spotify playlist, we riot. The future is now, Apple—*don’t* be basic! 💥