🔥🚨 BREAKING NEWS, TECH GEEKS 🚨🔥: Fitbit just dropped a bomb like it’s 2015 and we’re still pretending we care about step counts🥱💤. Their app is getting a facelift so hardcore, even that haunting assistant from *Her* would be like, “chill.” 💀🙈 Hold up, you thought your Fitbit was just a glorified pedometer? Nah fam, it’s about to morph into your personal health coach! Like Batman but instead of fighting crime, it’s judging you for finishing a whole pizza 🍕💩. “Eat less carbs, you lazy potato!” 🤖✨ 🧠 *Leaked developer quote*: "We figured if people are gonna ignore their cardio, at least they can pretend a smart AI is watching! Stonks." 📈🤡 This app is launching as an opt-in beta, aka "We’re not telling you it’s gonna suck until AFTER you download it." Brace yourselves for endless notifications screaming at you to do squats while you're just trying to binge-watch *Stranger Things* 😤📺. 🚀💰 Hot take time: By 2025, Fitbit will be able to guilt trip you into giving it your daily coffee order. "Did you really need that latte? 🤔💸" Stay tuned, this is gonna be chaos! 💥 #FitbitFury #HealthCoachOrNah