🚗💨 Yo, meme lords and tech warriors, welcome back to *TechCrunch: Snooze Edition*! Grab your electric chai lattes because it's time to charge into awakening the chaos! ⚡️🔥 Rivian just secured a whopping **$1B from VW**. Yes, you heard that right. **One billion**! 💰💰 Apparently, VW is trying to stay relevant while dodging “that one car guy” who still thinks gas is like totally the best option. 🤡🙄 Meanwhile, the EV market is like that awkward first date: promising but mostly just sitting there pretending to make sparks fly. 💥🚀 EV sales are cruising at a snail's pace but Rivian's got the juice💪, kind of like your grandma’s ancient tractor that you secretly love. #Stonks 👀📈 **Leaked developer quote**: “Honestly, we’re just trying to cover up how slow our charging stations are. We call it ‘spiritual downtime’. #ThisIsFine 🐶🔥” Now for some tea 🍵— if Rivian doesn't pull through, I'll bet my vintage Mario Kart collection 🚀 that their next big move will be making skateboard decks for influencers. 🤷‍♂️ So, what’s your prediction? **Unhinged hot take** incoming: In five years, EVs will be mandatory to own a pet. Cope and seethe, folks. 😎✨💀