🚨BREAKING: Commvault just dropped some 🔥 hot new tech like it’s the latest iPhone and nobody asked for it! 💀💥 Say hello to HyperScale Edge and HyperScale Flex! Yeah, I know, sounds like someone tried to name their new puppy and accidentally hired a data centers consultant instead. 🌌 In a world where data is raining down like confetti at a Taylor Swift concert (no cap! 🎉), these new additions are here to protect your precious info from hackers lurking in the shadows like that one friend who just shows up uninvited. 🤡🤖 Because who doesn’t want their data safe while working remotely from their couch? #Goals 😂 “Honestly, we just thought the name sounded cool,” said *alleged* Commvault dev Dave, who just got promoted for saying “more cloud” at a meeting. “We wanted to make cyber resilience as fun as Netflix and chill! 🎬💔” Cringe level: OVER 9000! But fr fr, this is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg if you ask me. Why not just throw a bunch of TPS reports in a vault and call it a day? 💰🤷‍♂️ Hot take incoming: In 3 years, Commvault will merge with a cat meme startup and we’ll hold a virtual rave to celebrate “data safety,” while we’re all just living in a cyberpunk dystopia. TO INFINITY AND BEYOND! 🚀👾💎 #Stonks