🚨💥 BREAKING NEWS, Y’ALL! This isn’t just another snooze-fest; this is *New York City Crime Watch: Citizen Edition!* 😱💀 Imagine the chaotic scene: your phone vibrating with real-time alerts every time a pigeon gets mugged in Times Square! 🕊️➡️💰 So, Mayor Eric Adams is pandering harder than your tech bro cousin at a party when he announces that Citizen app users will now be sending crime videos directly to the NYPD like it’s Instagram live! 🤳👮‍♂️ "OMG, look! A guy just committed theft… should I add some filters, tho?!" 😂🔥 But wait, there's MORE! The NYPD gets a portal to review footage! 🤖💻 Sounds like a REALITY SHOW nobody asked for! Roast the whole thing like marshmallows over a dumpster fire because the Citizen app is basically a collection of cringe-worthy TikToks of NYC crime situations. 😅💔💵 "Uh, can we opt out of sharing our videos?" you might ask. LOL NOPE! 📱💀 Just imagine your grandma's home video ending up in a police investigation: "Ma’am, we noticed your cat wasn't indoors during the robbery. Any alibis?” 🐱🚨 In other news, Axon and Citizen are becoming BFFs. 🤝💞 So buckle up, folks—prepare for *citizen detective agencies* with a side of “Stonks” for the companies involved and, for the streets? Well, it’s a full-on “This is fine” burn-down, fam! 🌆🔥💔 UNHINGED PREDICTION: We’re one TikTok dance away from criminals setting up their own “crime alerts” to warn fellow baddies when NOT to be seen on camera. 😂💀🤡 #CrimeTok.