🚨💥BREAKING NEWS ALERT: OpenAI just dropped a literal BILLION dollars on Statsig like it’s a vending machine full of snacks! 💰🤠💸 Have they decided that making AI smarter *and* tracking applications is the new hotness? Honestly, who needs a yacht when you can have mega analytics? 🛥️➡️📊 CEO of Statsig, Vijaye Raji, is now the CTO of Applications at OpenAI! 🤖👔 Must be nice to upgrade from analyzing data to masterminding the future of humanity’s conversational overlord. Meanwhile, the rest of us are over here analyzing which pizza toppings pair best with existential dread. 🍕🌀 Imagine the team meetings: “Alright, folks! Let’s use our $1.1B to make ChatGPT even more adept at ghosting you!” 💔📉 And you know what? If OpenAI can figure out how to make stonks go up while we’re all out here in the “this is fine” dog meme, we’re gonna need to start giving them our lunch money. 🐶🔥 In an unhinged twist: I predict that next week, OpenAI will acquire an entire theme park and we'll be riding roller coasters with ChatGPT explaining the stock market! 🎢🚀 So get ready for that. No cap! 😱😜