🚨🧑‍💻🛑 Listen up, my fellow iPhone-wielding degenerates! 🍏📱 Texas is rollin' out the parental control SWAT team with their age verification law, and Apple is like, "Hold my overpriced juice box!" 🤡💰 Starting January 1, 2026, everyone’s fave fruit-flavored tech overlord is gearing up to ask if you’re old enough to ride this ride 🎢. Just picture it: “Are you over 18? Or do you still think TikTok dances are a legitimate life skill?” 😏💀 #Cringe But wait! If you’re under 18, your phone is now basically a digital baby-sitter! 🤖👶 Apple is like, “Sorry kiddo, you can’t download that *obviously amazing* game unless the parental unit says it’s okay! 🤭” Yikes! Talk about being grounded in 2026! Developers are gonna be out here tweaking their apps like they’re changing a flat tire on an iPhone with no jack 🚀🛠️. They’ll need to use Apple’s *DECLARED AGE RANGE API* (sounds fancy, right?) to keep track of who’s old enough to “adult” on the App Store. 😂 And here's the leaked convo between a dev and their boss: 🧑‍💻 "Hey, can we just let 'em in?" 👨‍💼 "Nah, we gotta check their birth certificate first. We don’t need another TikTok lawsuit. Cope and seethe!" 🔥 Hot Take: By 2030, Apple will require a blood test 🩸 to validate users' humanity just to download Candy Crush. 🍬💀 Buckle up, kiddos! The age of tech babysitting is just beginning!