🚨🍏🚑 BREAKING NEWS: Apple is basically your new doctor, and they’re trading your “healthy” heartbeats for your awkward dance moves on TikTok! 💃💀 A shiny new study claims that Apple’s latest AI model can spot your health issues with 92% accuracy—like they’re a medical Sherlock Holmes but with less pipe smoking and more overpriced fruit-shaped gadgets! 🕵️‍♀️🍏💰 They’re saying your behavior data, like how many times you grimaced getting up from your couch, is a BETTER health indicator than your boring old heart rate. 🤯👀 Imagine Siri chirping, “Hey loser, you’ve been seated for 8 hours watching cat videos; might wanna slide that remote aside and get moving! 🐱👉📺” 🤖🔥 "Leaked" developer quote: “We trained it on all the weird stuff people do while wearing the Apple Watch. Honestly, it’s like watching a reality TV show: drama, cringe—100% base content.” 💅💯 In conclusion, Apple just turned your life into a health app meet-up with your awkwardness in the spotlight. So, is the next iPhone just gonna slap an ECG monitor on your forehead while you scroll through memes? 🤪🩺 🚀🔥 Hot take: If we trust Apple this much, just wait until they release a model that diagnoses your love life. “Sorry, it’s ‘not you, it’s the algorithm’” 😬💔 #Stonks #NotStonks