🚨💉 🍏 *BREAKING NEWS*: Apple is back at it again with the Apple Watch Ultra 3 and Series 11, where they’ve decided to get all da Vinci on our health with *hypertension* and *sleep quality monitoring*! 🤯💤 But hold up, fam — Who asked for a watch to tell me I’m too stressed about missing the latest TikTok trend? 👀💔 They’re like, “Check your blood pressure while you sleep, bro!” Like, I’m just trying to track my *dreams* about making stonks 💰, not my blood pressure! 😵‍💫 *Leaked developer quote*: “Honestly, our R&D team just wanted more data to sell to advertisers. No cap.” 🤖🔥 So now your wrist is screaming at you: “Yo, you’re about to be *hypertensive*!" while you’re just out here vibing to your favorite bops. 😩🔥 Talk about cringe! And don’t even get me started on the sleep analysis. The *only* thing I want analyzed is why my ex texts me at 2 AM! 🥴🤷‍♂️ Hot take: 🥵 The real reason Apple’s adding this stuff? They wanna make sure you’re fit enough to keep buying their overpriced gadgets! Next up, the “Apple Watch Bootcamp” where it forces you to jog to the nearest genius bar to buy that $500 charger! 🚀💀👀 *Deep sigh* This is fine. 🔥👀🥴