🚨👀 BREAKING APPLE WATCH ULTRA 3 NEWS: JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO LOOK AT YOUR OLD WATCH! 🍏⌚💥 So, like, the Apple Watch Ultra 3 is dropping next week at the *classic* "let’s pretend this is revolutionary" event on September 9. Seriously, can we get a drumroll for what’s basically the same watch but with a sprinkle of “oh, we added a button”? 🤡💀 Here’s the tea on what to expect: - **New features that will *definitely* change your life** (probably not): Stunning new colors like “Dusty Gray” and “Slightly Less Dusty Gray”! 🎨🔥 - **Battery life that lasts through ALL your fitness goals!** (Translation: still dying faster than my will to live during a Monday meeting) 🥴💤 - **Advanced sleep tracking to let you know how sad you really are!** (We've already had that app, it's called *existential dread*) 😵💔 Leaked developer quote: “We were gonna make a feature for actual body diagnostics, but then we just decided to slap an extra button on it instead. 🤷‍♂️#Winners” All I’m saying is, if you can tell me how many loaves of bread I can buy with my 800-dollar watch, we might be onto something real. 😤💰 🔥🔥 IN CONCLUSION: Apple isn’t innovating; they're just recycling! By 2025, they'll release the *Apple Watch Ultra 7.5* with a feature called “Pressing a Button for More Features.” No cap, buy stock in bread now. 🍞🚀✨