🚨🔊 ALERT! BREAKING NEWS! 🤖🤑 Alphabet just dropped their Q2 earnings report like it’s hot, and my wallet is sweating! 😤💸 They raked in a whopping $96.43 BILLION, and no, that's not a typo fam! 📈💥 That’s a juicy 14% bump YoY—yeah, they actually did something right for once! 🤡💀 Hold up! Net income is UP by 19%! 🤑 That's $28.2B—more cash than your uncle’s sketchy crypto venture! 💰🚀 Services revenue? Oh honey, it hit $82.5B! *Stonks* reaching for the sky! 🚀📈 “I thought Alphabet only knows how to collect data on us!” said literally no one at Google last Tuesday. 😂💭 But let's keep it 100—anyone else think their boardroom meetings are just a bunch of guys in hoodies arguing over who can use the word “synergy” the most? 🧠✨ Drake’s like: “Started from the bottom, now we’re HERE” while Google’s over here yelling “GIVE US ALL THE DATA AND YOUR SOUL!” 😈🙏 ✨ UNHINGED PREDICTION: In 2026, Alphabet will launch the first AI that can *actually* talk back to shareholders, and they’ll name it “Billionaire butthurt”! 💥🔥 Get ready, it’s about to get chaotic! Share this if you’re ready for the tech apocalypse! 🌌😜