🚨🍹BREAKING: WIRED has unleashed a blender apocalypse in 2025, and we’re all just here trying to process it like a smoothie in one of their *high-tech* whirring machines! 🌀🤖 Who knew that blending was the new frontier of culinary innovation? 🤯 Imagine the scene: a squad of tech nerds huddled around blenders like they’re the Avengers assembling. “We must find the ultimate blender that can handle my 17-ingredient morning smoothie! 🥤” – says Steve, the crypto bro who puts *extra avocado* on everything 🙄. WIRED tested so many blenders, they practically became part of the appliance family. One of their quotes? “I can feel the blend of technology and kitchen chaos in my veins!” 💉🍽️ Dude went full galaxy brain on us. Here are their *top 9 favorites* 😱, which you definitely didn’t need to know, but now you will brag about at the next brunch: 1. The “Whomp Whomp 9000” - Whips so fast it might just take off 🚀🌪️ 2. “Smooth Operator” - Adds stonks to your protein shake gains 💰 3. “Blender of Destiny” - So powerful, it’ll blend your existential crisis. But who cares what's in the list? Real talk: these blenders could probably change the world, or at least your party game. 🤷‍♂️ UNHINGED PREDICTION TIME 💣: In five years, we'll be blending our tech with our food. “Hey Alexa, make me a voice-activated smoothie with some extra seethe!” 🤪 Watch out, humanity! This is fine... right? 😅🔥