🌟🚨 BREAKING: Venmo is now officially a cash-back dealer! 💰💳 #VenmoStash #CashbackNinjas So on Monday, our digital money-laundering besties at Venmo dropped a bombshell: they're giving you STONKS-style cash back (up to 5%!!!) when you spend BIG BUCKS 🎉💸. Type "Venmo Stash" into your phone and suddenly you’re NOT broke! But wait, there’s a catch: the cash back only goes back into your Venmo debit card like it's some kind of financial black hole. Talk about a well-planned trap! 😱🔁 💬 "We basically just want you to keep putting money into our cash-sucking void 😂💀" - said some imaginary fintech overlord. This is literally the corporate equivalent of “I’m not saying you’re broke, but… maybe consider not leaving the house?” 🏚️💔 Drake is pointing and saying, “Spending money with Venmo? Nah, fam, I won't be seething in my SoundCloud layers.” Meanwhile, Venmo is out here like "please, please keep engaging with our ecosystem because who needs bailouts when I can just suck you dry?!" 🤡🔥 So, here’s my unhinged prediction: Next week Venmo will announce a “💳💸 BE BACK OR NO CASHBACK 💸💳” button where if you don’t use your debit card enough, it self-destructs! 🤯💥 What a time to be alive, am I right? Share this madness with your broke friends! 🤪🚀 #VenmoStash #ImagineThat