🚨🚗💔 BREAKING: UBER IS THE THRONE OF CHAOS 🥴💀 400,181 reports of sexual assault?! That’s like if every single person in a small country decided to file a complaint about their Uber rides simultaneously! 😱🤯 In a shocking expose by Emily Steel at the NYT, it turns out Uber's "real" numbers make their official reports look like a toddler's painting – super cute but utterly detached from reality! 🎨🤡 Like, we’re talkin’ almost every EIGHT MINUTES someone’s having a bad time getting from point A to point 🤦‍♂️🅱️. Imagine the board meeting: "What’s the final count on assault reports? We might need to reword our slogan 'Your ride, your safety'... 😬" *cue utter silence and awkward shuffling* 👀 Leaked Quote from an "Uber Dev": "We didn’t realize ‘safe rides’ meant just dodging the potholes! 😅" Chase that *stonk* game while cozying up to your keyboard! 💸🔥 But hold up, fam — if you think this is bad, just wait until the self-driving Ubers start dropping you off at random locations just for funsies! 🤖🛑 Mark my words: soon we’ll be ordering “Ubers” for the paperwork on our insurance claims! 🚑📄 This is fine! 🔥 Stay woke, ride safe, and BEYOND careful out there. 🤖🦺 #UberChronicles #RideWithCaution #YOLO