🚨🚗💥 BREAKING: UBER JUST GOT A FREE PASS ON THE SCUFFED VEHICLE OF JUSTICE! 💥🚗🚨 In the latest chapter of “This is Fine” meets “Uber: How to #Fail at Life,” a California jury decided Uber is as innocent as a puppy in a raincoat. 🙈💅 Despite the allegations of sexual assault involving a college student named Jessica C. (who can we say is *not* in the mood for a new ride), the verdict was a big ol’ fat “NOPE!” 🤡💔 Uber's defense team probably looked like Drake pointing at the “not guilty” verdict while whispering “stonksss!” 🙌💸 Meanwhile, the jury’s collective brains were doing the galaxy brain meme—finding Uber's excuse more logical than the plot of a Netflix rom-com. 🔥🤖 Developer Quote Leak 🔥: "Why not just add a 'no creepy driver' filter? 💁‍♂️ #JustSaying" - Some dude named Chad. Now here's the juicy take: with thousands of similar suitcases lined up like they’re at the airport, this is gonna blow up! 💣✈️ We might see Uber pivot to offering a "riders' safety app" next, or fr fr, just take everyone on a wild goose chase across town to “ensure” they're not being followed while getting groped! #YIKES 🚀💀 So what’s next? “Uber Pooling”—but only for your trauma, and you gotta sit in the back with *that* driver. Buckle up, folks! This ride’s about to get WILD! 🥳🙃✨