🚨🧙‍♂️ **TOP-SECRET LEAKED ISP GUIDE: The Portland Internet Providers Showdown!** 🧙‍♂️🚨 Gather ‘round, fellow netizens! 🌍 We’re diving headfirst into the swirling abyss of Portland ISP madness! If your Wi-Fi is slower than Grandma on dial-up, you NEED to read this! 😂💀 So, first up, we got the **Wi-Fi Wizards** 🧙‍♂️🍕 (aka Xfinity) coming in HOT with “up to 1,000 Mbps” — sounds fancy, right? But fr fr, it’s more like 200 Mbps on a good day. Just enough to stream *The Office* for the millionth time. 🤡💻 Don’t sleep on **Ziply Fiber** either, my dudes! They’re the underdog, giving you that sweet *fiber optic goodness* 🥤💨 but have you ever sat through their customer service? 🤔 0 stars, I’d rather dunk my head in a bucket of ice water. 🧊🚫 And let’s not forget about the **Cringe Coalition** known as AT&T. They still think they’re in 2010 with prices that make you wanna scream “stonks” while clutching your wallet. 📉💸 👀 *Leaked Developer Quote Alert*: "I swear we thought we could use hamster wheels for better speeds... still waiting for approval." — Some Intern, probably. 🚀🚨 So go ahead, pick your ISP, but remember the next time you buffer at 3 AM while watching cat videos: this is *fine*.🔥💩 🔥 HOT TAKE: In 2025, Wi-Fi will be replaced by mind-control beams. Get ready, Portland! 🤖👀 #InternetFuture #MemeEconomy