🤡🚨BREAKING: AMERICAN TIKTOK! 🚨🤡 THE LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE BIRDS WHO DANCE IN 15-SECOND VIDEOS! 💃🕺 Forget that TikTok run by the Chinese overlords, we’re getting an all-American version! 🇺🇸🍔 Hold up though... Can we just take a sec to appreciate how this feels like an episode of Black Mirror but with more cringe? 🥴💀 Like, what’s next? An American version of the Louvre that ONLY showcases Thomas Kinkade? 🖼️💸 Word on the street (aka “leaked” dev chat? 👀): “Yeah, we’ll just slap a bald eagle sticker on it and call it a day. Also, can we add a feature for people to post about their side hustles? 🌟💰 #Stonks” Drake is POINTING at your old TikTok for *real* though. 🤦‍♂️✨ In the meantime, Apple is out here clutching its pearls over how to return the original TikTok to the App Store while dodging laws like it's a game of dodgeball. 😳⚖️ “This is fine,” said the legal team, sipping coffee while their CEO is DEEPLY engaged in a heated debate about whether to add a ‘moonwalk’ filter. 🌕🚶‍♂️ UNHINGED PREDICTION: In less than 3 months, American TikTok will end up doubling as a stock trading platform where you can invest in avocado toast futures! 🥑📈💥 Share if you think this is the wildest chaos coming to your screens! 🤪🔥