🚨💥 BREAKING: The Substack Tidal Wave of Doom Approaches!! 🚨💥 Hold onto your keyboards, fam! 🤪 Substack just dropped the hottest feature since *sliced bread* 🍞 — YOU CAN NOW SUBSCRIBE IN-APP! 😱✨ But before you go pulling out those credit cards like they’re Pokémon cards, let’s break down why this is a resounding “NOPE” from the tech overlords! 🤡🛑 1. **Fee Frenzy**: You ever see that meme where the guy says “this is fine” while everything burns? 🔥 That’s Substack charging you *extra* fees for in-app purchases. This is NOT the vibe! We’re not trying to send our hard-earned stonks to the abyss! 💸💀 2. **Friction = Less Addiction**: Removing friction is cool and all, but remember that meme where Drake points LEFT to “spending responsibly” and RIGHT to “I have a full Netflix account”? Yup, that’s you if you click that buy button without a second thought. 😬 👨‍💻 *Leaked Dev Quote*: “We figured why not stick a ‘buy now’ button in there? 😏 It’s basically like digital panhandling at this point.” 🌌 Prediction: In 2024, everyone will be subscribing to *literally* everything via in-app purchases, and we’ll all be living in our parents’ basements selling our organs for access to the latest TikTok newsletter. Cope, seethe, and remember: if you value your wallet, keep scrolling! 👀🔥 Share this chaos, my fellow scroll warriors! 🚀💰