🚴‍♂️💥 BREAKING NEWS: Peloton’s latest product? A *personalized* injury experience! 😂💀 So apparently, the Consumer Product Safety Commission (aka the Fun Police) just told over 833,000 of you spin junkies to stop peddling your dreams into the ground. But you know what? It’s just another chapter in the “How to Get Fit and Almost Die” saga! 🚑⚠️ #ThisIsFine 💬 “We thought 'Burn calories, not legs' was just a tagline,” said literally nobody at Peloton (leaked quote). Like bruh, how did you think spinning in place could lead to reckless endangerment?! 💀🤡 Drake's pointing meme: “When a Peloton bike tries to take you out but you just wanted a workout.” 🔥 Who knew you’d need an insurance policy when you signed up for that $39/month subscription? No cap, you’re paying extra to risk life and limb! 😂💰 But fear not! While you're vowing to never trust a bike that doesn't come with a personal trainer and a seatbelt, Peloton's stokks 💎📈 are still as wild as your next ride. Future prediction: next year’s Peloton will come with a built-in life coach AND a defibrillator. Don't say I didn't warn ya! 🚀🔥 Time to pivot to “standing desk-ercise” while we wait out this fiasco! 💪🪑 #Based #Roast #PelotonGoneWrong