🚨💳💥BREAKING NEWS: American Express Just Dropped a DARK THEME for the LOW LOW PRICE of $895 PER YEAR!💥💳🚨 That’s right, folks! Your tired eyes can finally enjoy a traditional "I’m sad about my life choices" vibe when checking your credit card statement! 🖤🖥️✨ Instead of just crying over your bill, now you can do it while marveling at the darkness! Clearly, this is what the elite meant when they said they wanted to "take their financial stress to the next level." 🤡👀💰 Who knew that a simple theme could be worth the same as a monthly rent payment? This is fine. 🔥💀 Picture this: “We just wanted our app to feel more *exclusive*,” said a totally-not-stressed developer hiding in their cubes, “I mean, how else will users feel *ancient* with their *premium* credit?” 😂💔 Drake is shaking his head: "Don’t you dare call this 'luxury upgrades'!" 😤👎 But American Express is out here like, “Psssht, stonks! 🚀🚀 We’re selling the dream of emotional darkness!” In conclusion, expect the next big update to be "Premium Breathing Room" for an additional $99 per breath. 💀💨💸 Hot take: Soon enough, they’ll start charging extra for app "breathable" space - we’re talking inflation on an existential level! 🤯💣