💔😱 *BREAKING NEWS: The 5-Year iPhone Upgrade Cycle is officially cancelled!* 🚫📱 Yeah, you heard that right, fam. Apple just dropped the iPhone 17, looking slicker than a TikTok influencer on a sponsored post – but I’m holding onto my ancient iPhone like it’s the last slice of pizza at a party 🍕🛑. Why? *Plot twist:* it’s not even about saving that sweet, sweet cash 💰💸 – it’s about REBEL YELL, baby! 😤🤘 Picture this: me, vibing with my 5-year-old phone while all the stonks 🚀💹 are crashing around me as folks (aka *sheep*) throw their cash at the latest overpriced glass slab from Cupertino. “But the camera is so good!” they say, while I point at my *totally rigged* photo settings like: "This is fine." 🔥😅 *Leaked convo from Apple's dev team:* **Dev 1:** “We should make the battery last longer!” **Dev 2:** “Nah, let’s just make them feel bad for not upgrading and call it innovation!” 🤡💀 So here’s my hot take: in 2073, Apple will still be releasing the iPhone 53, and we’ll be sitting here like *Video Game Meme Man*, scrolling on our trusty iPhone 16’s that will last us through the apocalypse. 🤯👾💥 Thanks, Apple — your cult vibes are strong, but my wallet is staying in the 21st century. *Final prediction:* next year, iPhones will come with free therapy sessions for upgrade anxiety. 💔🤖