🚨🛡️ Welcome to the iPhone 17 Pro Max *Scratchgate* Chronicles! 🛡️🚨 So you bought the latest iPhone (the 17 Pro Max, because apparently the 16's weren't good enough?) and now you’re worried about scratches? 😱🤦‍♂️ Let’s face it, folks, the only thing more fragile than your feelings after a breakup is that iPhone glass. Apple be like, “This is fine,” while I’m over here with bubble wrap and a life-size bodyguard named Gerald. 🤡💔 In a world where ZDNET’s recommendations sound like they’re pulling suggestions from the IKEA instruction manual 🛠️, what does it even mean to “protect” your phone? “Hours of testing” or just crying in a room full of broken screens? 🙃💀 Developer Quote Leak: “Honestly, I just recommend a case that’s thicker than my college textbooks. 🤷‍♂️💸” - Apple Intern #404 So, what do you do? 🤔 Go full tinfoil hat mode, slap on some ludicrous accessories, and pray to the tech gods that your phone’s not a scratch magnet. 😤✨ 🔥 Hot Take: In five years, we’ll all be using holographic phones that project from our wrists, and Apple will still be charging us $1K for an upgrade. Stonks be like! 📈💰 So go forth and protect your shiny future, but remember: scratches are just modern art! 🖼️😜✌️ #Scratchgate #iPhoneShenanigans