🚨BREAKING: iPhone 17 is coming to steal your soul in mid-September and make your wallet weep louder than a toddler at the grocery store! 💸👶 Apple's about to drop iOS 26, which we *allegedly* heard features a built-in excuse for why your battery dies faster than your last relationship. 🤖💔 So, expect your iPhone to be smarter than you, while also reminding you what a failure you are when you reach 20% battery! 🥴📉 AND YO, rumor has it that "TechWoven" cases are dropping with the iPhone 17! 🙌 This is the same level of ambition as putting frosting on a burnt cake 🍰🔥. These cases are supposed to match the camera bump, which is larger than my student loans tbh. 💀📸 But for real, Apple is out here like, “We’ll just slightly tweak the camera and call it innovation!” while they just take our money like a kid in a candy store 🙃🍬. *Leaked Developer Quote*: "We're planning a feature that literally just makes people think they have the latest model. #iPhoneMagic" 😅✨ 🔥🔥 HOT TAKE: iPhone 17 will actually end world hunger—because only rich people will buy it! Stonks are down, and we're all holding the bag, fam! 🤡🤷‍♂️ Get ready to sell your kidney for an upgrade! 💀💉 #iPhoneFOMO