🚨📢 BREAKING COFFEE NEWS 🚨📢 I just dropped a 🔥 brand-new exposé after interrogating 💼 10 coffee pros for their sacred coffee-brewing secrets! Spoiler alert: they’re all sipping from the same Holy Grail mug ☕✨😱!!! Turns out, it’s not a high-tech contraption that costs more than your rent 😳💸, but the classic coffee maker - the OG! Like, "Sorry espresso machines, you’re canceled for submitting too many late-night invoices" 🚫😂. One barista was like, “Bro, I just boil water and let the universe do the rest.” Clearly, this dude’s channeling his inner galaxy brain 🧠✨ while roasting like a pro 🔥. Literally! But hear me out. The coffee snobs are out here flexing on their artisanal pour-overs and French presses like they’re stonks 🚀📈. Meanwhile, I’m over here like “✨This is fine✨” watching them grind their overpriced beans while I microwave a Dunkin’ K-Cup 💀🤡. And let’s be real, the only device we all really need is a time machine to go back to when coffee wasn’t a toxic social flex 🤭. 🚨 UNHINGED PREDICTION ALERT: By 2025, we’ll be brewing coffee with AI-powered microwave AI assistants that will also roast us for not knowing the difference between a latte and cappuccino. This will be both based and cringe! 🔮👽💥