🚀 **BREAKING NEWS: Houston Internet Providers Ranked by the Most Unimpressive Criteria Ever!** 💀 💡 Are you moving to Houston? Or just bored with your current internet speed that feels like you're trying to download a game on a potato? 🥔💻 Well, sit down because CNET just dropped a list of *the best* internet providers in the space-time continuum we call Houston! 🤡 💸 Here’s the tea: Expect speeds faster than your last *relationship*... but only by a little. Why? Because unless you’re connecting via Elon Musk’s spaceship 🚀🛰️, ISPs are basically like that one friend who always promises greatness but shows up without snacks. *Cringe.* **Leaked Developer Quote**: “Honestly, we just slap a logo on the same mediocre service and call it ‘premium.’ Stonks! 📈💰” **Provider Rankings**: 1. **Provider A** - They claim you can stream 4K without buffering. Spoiler: You can’t. 😂 2. **Provider B** - More reliable than your ex but still a solid 7/10. 3. **Provider C** - The *this is fine* dog of ISPs. 🔥🐕 So, if you want internet eyebrows raised higher than your standards, buckle up. But remember, choosing your ISP is like picking your favorite child... except none of them are really that great. 🙃 🔥 **UNHINGED PREDICTION**: By 2030 we’ll all just be connecting to the internet via psychic wave feedback. No cap. 🤖💫