🚨🏃‍♂️ BREAKING NEWS from the land of wristwatches and sweat! Garmin’s flexing like it’s 1999 and dropping the ultimate training features that make you feel like a Greek god – or a treadmill warrior, at least. 🤖💪 🎉 Get ready to analyze your run like you're trying to solve a Rubik's Cube while on a treadmill going full speed. Garmin says they’ve got this "proprietary fitness software" that tracks your every move like your ex stalking your socials! 🔍👀 💬 Leaked quote from a Garmin developer: "When we created this data analysis, we thought, 'How can we make running as complex as dating in 2023?' Turns out, just throw a bunch of graphs at them!" 😂📈 But fam, let’s talk about the *real* features: you’ll unlock training modes that sound like spells from Hogwarts! 🧙‍♂️ "Endurance Mode" – good luck trying to endure your own life choices! “VO2 max” – sounds fancy but it’s really just a way to say, “You still can’t run a mile without wheezing.” 💀🏃‍♀️ Just when you thought it was safe to train like a normal human, Garmin’s out here making your data look like an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. 💥📉 🔥 Prediction time: In five years, we’ll be strapping Garmin devices to our pets to track their "pawsitive" workout gains. Get ready for the Stonk'd Fido Fitness App, because this is where we’re heading! 💰🐕🔥