🚨🔥 HODL YOUR HORSES, FOLKS: Coinbase just dropped a Q2 earnings update hotter than your mom’s lasagna, but it’s giving off more "this is fine" vibes than we’d like 😬💀. So listen up: their revenue is up 3% YoY, hitting a whopping $1.5B 💰. But wait, hold your stonks! They were supposed to hit $1.6B, and you know it's a vacation home for the cringe house when you miss your own targets! Look at those sad little COIN shares dropping 6% after hours like they’re on their way to the crypto graveyard 👻🪦. Insider sources (a.k.a. Chad from accounting) leaked this convo: Chad: "Uhh, guys, what if we just tell people crypto trading is super fun?" Boss: "What if we just never pay our taxes again! *cue evil laughter*" 🤖💀 Meanwhile, retail trading volume is supposedly up 16% to $43B, but that’s still a facepalm compared to the $48.05B they were *actually* aiming for 😭. Here's my totally-unhinged prediction: Coinbase will add a “Glitch Mode” feature, where trades randomly cancel at peak trading hours just to spice up your life! 🚀💩💥 #CryptoChaos You heard it here first, fam! Share this madness before the SEC comes knocking! 👀💥