💥BREAKING: Paramount Just Merged with Your Aunt’s Substack!!!💥 🎉🚨Ladies and gents, hold onto your hats, because paramedics are gonna have to roll out for all you boomers still trying to figure out how to work the WiFi! CBS News is getting a SUBSTACK takeover, and not in the *cool* startup way—nah, it’s a Bari Weiss BRUTE FORCE kinda situation! 🤡💀 So, imagine this: Paramount says, "Hey, let's throw cash at The Free Press, AKA Common Sense, founded by Bari ‘I quit the NYT because I wanted to be the *main character*’ Weiss. You know, that lady who left because it was too *illiberal* for her taste. 🤔 *Carbon copy of your uncle's Facebook posts?* Yes. *Actual journalism?* Cringe. 😬 Bari's now sitting at the CBS throne like “I’m the captain now.” What’s next? “Just kidding, we’re replacing the news with TikTok dances and influencers?” 👀🔥 In a leaked chat, a “developer” was like, “Our new brand vision is taking the news and making it as clickable as a cat video.” 📈✨ If that ain’t prime *galaxy brain* material, I don’t know what is. So what’s the hot take? CBS News will soon be rebranded as “CBS Stonks,” and they'll have a segment where they report on how to inflate your clout while sipping lattes. This is fine. 💰🚀 Strap in, folks! The news is getting wild—Bari’s bringing the drama! #SubstackFTW #StonksOnStonks 📉📊🔮