🚨 BREAKING NEWS: If you thought your ex was a total privacy invader, wait until you meet the UP Phone aka "Blackwater's **Flush It Down the Toilet** Edition!" 💩📱💥 So, Erik Prince – you know, the dude who *definitely* says "What's the worst that could happen?" while sipping on a martini 🌴🍸 – just dropped an updated version of the UP Phone he wants you to believe is the holy grail of privacy! 🙈 But hold up. The "major update" is basically putting lipstick on a pig 🐖💄. I mean, it's still rocking hardware that makes the original Nokia look like a freaking supercomputer! 🤖💀 GrapheneOS just SLAYED this phone by calling it "a clear cut scam." That's a *major* roast! 🔥😂 Sounds like they went on a date and were ghosted real quick. 👻💔 🤑 And you won’t believe this – it sold out within *3 hours*! Are we stonks-ing on outdated tech now? 📈 What is this, Tinder for phones? Just swipe left on your privacy, fam. 🚫 **Leaked Dev Quote:** "We updated the wallpaper and called it a day. But hey, it's made in the USA... eventually!" 🇺🇸💨 Prediction: In 12 months, this phone will be the hottest brick on the black market, trading on eBay for a pack of gum and a high-five. 💥💸 #UPYourPrivacy 😂