🚨🍏 **BREAKING NEWS: APPLE TO KEEP YOU FROM EXPLODING LIKE A VOLCANO!** 🍏🚨 Yo fam, forget about Apple dropping the *next* iPhone. They’re dropping HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE NOTIFICATIONS! 💀🔥 Talk about putting the cardiac chaos in your pocket. A new feature that's like a “your heart is about to yeet itself” alert. But only if your blood pressure hits that "I can't even" level. 🩺💔 In a world where you can get notified if your coffee order is ready, you can now also be notified when you're one slice of pizza away from cardiac arrest. *Stonks?* More like **STROKES!** 🤯💰 “Hey, Siri, am I about to die?” – A confused user, probably 🙄. 🍎 Fun fact: analysts predict that by next week, every Apple Watch will come with built-in defibrillators for the *fr fr* heart attack alerts. #InnovatingRealLifeHere 🤖💥 And get this, leaked developer chat reveals: “Honestly, at this point, if your heart doesn't have a TikTok account, did it even exist?” ✨ **UNHINGED PREDICTION:** By 2025, Apple will release a *Heart Monitor Pro Max* that tells you what your heart is feeling, and if it's anything other than joy, it’ll stream sad lo-fi beats to help it cope. #ThisIsFine x 1000. 💀💔 So are you ready to have your inner *Drake* fighting against hypertension? 🥴🚀