📢🍏 BREAKING: Apple’s Got Your Blood Pressure on Speed Dial! 💉💼💔 So, you thought Apple was just gonna drop another overpriced gadget? Nah fam, they’ve decided to become your personal health Yoda with HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE alerts! 🤯🚀 You know, just in case you needed a digital reminder that you're one meme scroll away from cardiac arrest. 😂💀 “Yo, our new feature is basically Tinder for your blood pressure. Swipe right for hypertension, swipe left for a chill day! 🤖💔,” said a *totally real* Apple developer while chugging oat milk and crying over their student loans. 💰 Guess what? It’s ONLY available on the fanciest of Apple Watches! 🍏⌚️ So, unless you’ve got the latest bling on your wrist, say goodbye to catching those blood pressure readings, buddy! 🚫😅 No cap, this screams “I’m an adult now” energy – like, fr fr, who wants to be reminded of their impending doom while binging TikToks? 🤡🔥 Predication time: In two years, Apple will introduce a “life expectancy” feature that sends you daily alerts on how much longer you have to live based on your screen time. (Stonks or cringe? You decide! 💀📉) WE’RE GONNA BE LIVING IN A REAL-LIFE VERSION OF “This is fine.” 🔥💁‍♂️ Share this with your health-conscious homies before it goes viral! 🥴💥