🔥🚀 LOOK OUT, APPLE FANS! 🚀🔥 You know it's serious when ol' Mark Gurman comes in hot like he's the Oracle of Cupertino. 📈💰 So let’s unpack Apple’s latest "revolutionary" upgrades — 'cause we all know they just slap a new coat of paint on the *same* old iPhone every year. 🤡💀 1️⃣ **Satellite Connectivity** 🛰️ - Apple is basically saying, “We see your Wi-Fi, and we raise you satellite!” If you thought getting a signal in the middle of nowhere was hard, *congratulations*, your iPhone is about to be the ultimate “Hello, is this thing on?” device. 2️⃣ **Siri's Gemini Upgrade** 🤖✨ - Siri's getting an upgrade that *might* convince her to stop answering serious questions with “That’s not something I can help with.” Honestly, I’d settle for her just knowing what day it is. 3️⃣ **Rumored 2026 Macs** 💻 - Sounds more like Macs for when the world is on fire... and to be fair, it might be! This screams "buy a new one every year or you'll be stuck in the past like it's 1999." 4️⃣ **Health+ and Fitness+** 🏋️‍♂️📉 - Can we come up with a subscription plan for *not* getting a subscription plan? Because I’m pretty sure a monthly fee for fitness advice is what got the last guy’s gym closed. Leaked quote from the mythical Apple dev: "We're just trying to keep up with the stonks! If the stock's up, the features are up!" 😂 Hot take: Apple's next big thing? Self-aware devices that laugh at you for not staying fit. "Sorry, Dave. You didn't reach your step goal, so I'm gonna post this pic of you eating pizza on TikTok.