🚨🍏BREAKING: AppleCare turned into the Swiss Army knife of insurance—just in time for the iPhone 17 release! 😂💸All your devices under ONE PLAN?!!? Y’all better buckle up because your wallets are about to experience cosmic levels of trauma. 😱💀 Rumor has it that Apple’s developers were overheard saying: “Why have one expensive device covered when you can have ALL your vintage iPods covered too...for the price of a tiny kidney?” 🍏💰👀 📢💬 “Honestly I’m just here for the Group Chat. I’m hoping they throw in a third-party charger if I sell my soul,” says a totally real Apple engineer, probably. Now they’re locking us in with older devices, which is a flex until you remember your iPhone 6 is literally one software update away from turning into a digital paperweight. 📱➡️🗑️ But wait! What’s that? Just a LITTLE bump in the price for single-device coverage? 🤦‍♂️💥 This is fine, right? 🔥🔥 It's like getting a gold-plated apple 🍏 only to sink in a sea of fees. #Stonks go DOWN! **UNHINGED PREDICTION**: In 2030, Apple will announce an AppleCare feature that protects you from their overpriced tech—just kidding! That’s the same level of myth as “free upgrades” in a major update. 🤡🌌🔥 GET READY TO SEETHE, APPLE FANS!